Public Solutions

Here's a line from Michael Pollan's NYT review of Greg Critser's new book Fat Land, which is about how fat Americans are:

So instead of seriously entertaining any public solutions to what he has so convincingly demonstrated is a public problem, Critser ends by imploring us to eat less, get off our duffs and, incredibly, bring back gluttony as a leading sin.

Public solutions, please, we're begging for public solutions! How can you write about a public problem without entertaining public solutions?

Great term, that. "Public solutions". Avoids the nasty connotations that "government regulation" has. Since obviously we're not going to eat less or get off our duffs, it's imperative that the government step in. But where is George W. Bush on this matter? I smell a winning issue for Democrats (and trial lawyers). I can hear the campaign slogans now: "The Republicans only want to lower your taxes (and so do we, now), but we want to lower your fat intake too!" Or how about "Lean cuts not tax cuts!" Okay, so it's not as pithy as "Make love not war".

But certainly we ought to start hearing more about Big Beef and Big Food joining the evil Big Oil, Big Tobacco, and Big Timber axis. I would favor the epithet Big Pig over Big Pork because the rhyme is really cool. Big Milk is already widely known to be evil, thanks to PETA, but somehow I haven't yet heard the term. It's less well known, regrettably, that Kansas politics is corrupted by Big Corn, and that you get nowhere in Wisconsin unless you kowtow to Big Cheese (those Krafty bastards!).

But remember that it's not just overeating; it's also the sedentary lifestyle which is to blame. So we also ought to hear about the evils of Big Video and Big Celluloid (yeah, hold your breath). Big Trek, studies have shown, has added 1.2 pounds to every American (when averaged across Trekkers and the general population). And Big Harvest Gold has made washing dishes and clothes as easy as pressing a button (I'm looking at you, Amana), with the result that millions of Americans no longer have to get off their asses and perform mind-numbing yet physically rewarding menial household labor. As for me, I want to sue Phil Donahue for training me to sit home and watch afternoon TV on my fat ass all day. He featured such compelling controversies, I couldn't help myself! It was beyond my evolutionary control. Now I mainline Springer twice daily. Millions of other viewers are suffering from the same condition. Clearly such a public problem demands entertaining a public solution, or at least humoring a public solution until it gets bored and goes away.