A Gitmo Transcript

Q: Please come to order. This inquest has been called to investigate claims that several copies of the Koran may have been mishandled by personnel at this facility. The next witness is before the panel. Do you swear or affirm to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

A: Yes, ma'am.

Q: Please state your name and rank for the record.

A: [REDACTED]

Q: Thank you, [REDACTED]. I will begin by calling your attention to the events of 16 NOV 04. Where were you posted on that day?

A: I was a guard at Delta Block, Camp X-ray. Swing shift, ma'am.

Q: At approximately 2130 hrs there was an incident with a detainee, was there not?

A: Yes, ma'am.

Q: Please describe what happened.

A: At 2130 hrs there was a disturbance in the block. A detainee began screaming wildly. Another guard and I walked to his cell. We asked him what was wrong, but he only continued to scream.

Q: What was he saying?

A: It was in Arabic, ma'am.

Q: Could this detainee speak English?

A: He could, ma'am.

Q: Continue.

A: We entered his cell and cuffed him- he didn't put up much of a fight- he didn't resist, ma'am.

Q: Was he still screaming?

A: No, ma'am, he had stopped by this time. [REDACTED] came over to further control the detainee. I asked the detainee what he was screaming about. He refused to answer. He was informed at that time that we were to search his cell. I asked him where was his Koran.

Q: And what did the detainee say?

A: He spat at me, ma'am.

Q: Continue.

A: I told him again that we were going to search his cell, and I asked him where was his Koran. He didn't say anything. [REDACTED] took him outside the cell and I started the search. I began emptying the contents of the detainee's boxes onto his bed.

Q: Boxes?

A: The detainees are allowed several small boxes to keep personal belongings, toiletries, and the like. Mostly they keep them on the shelf or on the floor.

Q: Were you aware, [REDACTED], that it was possible that the detainee's Koran was in one of those boxes that you were emptying onto the bed?

A: Yes, ma'am.

Q: But you emptied them onto the bed anyway. I see. Please continue.

A: Ma'am, I did ask the detainee where he put his Koran and he didn't-

Q: Yes, we've heard that. Please continue.

A: Well, the Koran was in the second box. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it... but it....

Q: But what, [REDACTED]?

A: It bounced on the bed.

Q: It bounced on the bed?

A: Yes, ma'am. It bounced on the bed.

Q: And?

A: Well, ma'am, perhaps I was emptying the boxes on an angle.

Q: An angle, [REDACTED]? How much of an angle?

A: I couldn't exactly say, ma'am.

Q: Give me your best guess.

A: Perhaps 15 degrees. Off the vertical, ma'am.

Q: 15 degrees, [REDACTED]?

A: I don't know ma'am. Perhaps as many as 30.

Q: [REDACTED], do you know that there's a war on?

A: Yes, ma'am, I do. I'm sorry, ma'am.

Q: Sorry isn't going to win us this war, [REDACTED]. Continue.

A: The Koran, and I think a comb, they bounced over the edge of the bed. It wasn't-

Q: Over the edge? Are you testifying before this panel that the Koran in question moved horizontally to the extent that the bed was no longer beneath it?

A:

Q: [REDACTED]?

A: Yes, ma'am. That is what I am saying.

Q: There will be silence in this inquest! Now, [REDACTED], you have testified that you emptied the contents of a box, which you have further testified you were aware might have contained a Koran, at an angle of 15 or 30 degrees, onto the detainee's bed. With how much force did you empty this box? You didn't merely overturn the box did you?

A: No, ma'am. Um, perhaps I gave it a small shove.

Q: Perhaps?

A: I gave it a small shove. Ma'am.

Q: You could have overturned the box, permitting gravity to empty the box and allowing the contents to drop more or less vertically onto the bed, but you didn't. How much of a shove did you give the box?

A: I couldn't say, really.

Q: I want to understand this, [REDACTED]. Was the shove the sort that one might exert on a salt shaker? Or are we in ketchup bottle territory?

A: Ma'am?

Q: Was the shove you exerted on the box which contained the Koran a light one, as you might exert on a salt shaker? Or was it more vigorous, as you would exert on a ketchup bottle?

A: Ma'am, I regret to say that it was most probably more like a ketchup bottle or maybe....

Q: Yes?

A: Honey.

Q: I will clear this room if order is not maintained. Let us continue with the events in question. [REDACTED], before I interrupted, the Koran was in... mid-air, as astonishing as that may be. Pray continue.

A: Ma'am, to be honest, the next second or two are kind of fuzzy in my memory. It was kind of like all of life's creation was stripped away from me in that moment and then returned in a nightmare vision of its former self where all that is good is impossibly far away and never to return again. As if, as if....

Q: [REDACTED], we can take a recess if you need it.

A: No. No, I have to tell this.

Q: Then please continue. The Koran is over the edge of the bed.

A: The Koran is over the edge of the bed. It begins to descend.

Q: I will have order at this inquest!

A: And, well, ma'am, sirs, eventually it- it-

Q: It what, [REDACTED]?

A: It, God I'm sorry, it touched the ground.

Q: Order! Order! I will have order at this inquest! Sergeant, I want this room cleared! [GARBLED]

Q: This inquest hereby reconvenes. [REDACTED], for the record, how long was it between the Koran bouncing off the bed and when it eventually.... Eventually touched the ground?

A: Ma'am, it may have been one and a half to two seconds.

Q: [REDACTED], what were you doing during that time? Was there no possibility that you could have rescued it during that time span? I don't understand what you could have been thinking.

A: Ma'am, as I said, my memory of that moment was a bit fuzzy. That moment that felt like eons. I felt frozen, frozen with terror at what was happening. What I caused to happen. I wish it was different but-

Q: As do we all, [REDACTED]. As do we all. But wishing won't erase this black mark from our country's soul. You put in motion a chain of events for which we will all suffer. A chain of events whose ramifications our country will suffer from for generations. And in that moment, that one and a half to two seconds, by your own testimony, when you could have reversed the unspeakable evil that you unleashed, you did nothing. Perhaps you aren't made of the right stuff.

A: I think that's right, ma'am.

Q: [REDACTED], you will have to live with the knowledge of what you did. May God have mercy on your soul. The role of this panel however is to determine the facts, not to determine guilt or assess punishment. You realize that someone else will?

A: Yes, ma'am. I welcome any-

Q: For now, let us merely observe that you are aware of the serious implications of your testimony, both to the United States and to your personal freedom, and, if there is justice in this world, to your very life. But it is my, and this panel's duty to determine the facts, wherever they lead us. So let us continue. The Koran- I can't even say it. The object- the object in question made contact with the ground.

A: Ma'am, yes. It took a bounce on the floor. Maybe two. The detainee, he, he saw it and started screeching. I don't blame him. He started screeching... a kind of keening wail... it was awful. It was then that I wished I was dead, or never born. That would have been best. If I was never born. Then that Koran would never have ended up on the ground like that, shaming me and my country. I- I picked it up.

Q: You touched a holy Koran?

A: Yes, ma'am.

Q: With your hands?

A: Yes, ma'am. I know that what I did was wrong. I dropped it.

Q: Back on the ground?

A: Yes, ma'am. It was then that I, I became sick, sick in my soul, but more to the point, sick to my stomach.

Q: [REDACTED], please don't go there.

A: I threw up ma'am, all over that Koran. I think the comb got some of it too.

Q: I want this man placed under arrest as an enemy of the United States. Sir, because of you, the next murder of Americans at the hands of Islamic terrorists will be entirely justified. You don't understand at all what's been done here!

A: At that point I figured it didn't matter much anymore. And believe it or not I was feeling kind of horny.

Q: Sergeant, stop that man! He will single-handedly lose this war for us! For if any harm comes to any Koran as a result of American actions, then surely we deserve to be ignominiously defeated. As will no doubt occur. Ahem.

A: So I unzipped and kind of did what comes naturally. Didn't go blind or nothing. And that detainee looked real interested, if you know what I mean. Then I noticed that my bladder was kind of full, what with being on patrol all those hours. We don't get a lot of breaks.

Q: Shut-up!

A: And I had chili for lunch, so, you know, I was kind of unsettled.

END TRANSCRIPT.

No Korans were abused in the making of this satire.

In related news, several right-wing, conservative, religious, right-wing groups were condemned for themselves condemning the display of a new installation of publicly funded art which includes the work Let's Shit on Christ and his Mother by a misunderstood avant-garde artist. The right-wing groups insisted that while the artist has the right to create any art he wants to, such offensive works ought not to be subsidized by taxpayers. Mainstream groups such as the ACLU, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch correctly responded that denying federal subsidies to any artist merely because of content was a violation of the artist's right to self-expression and akin to murdering 6 million people. Hitler was mentioned. The work in question features a crucifix, statue of the Virgin Mary, and a Bible in an actual, working toilet in the museums where it has been displayed, which most reporters think is really cool.

Update: Serious commentary at Captain's Quarters, and by LaShawn Barber, Charles Krauthammer, Austin Bay, and Michelle Malkin.

Another Update: Great new screed from Lileks (via Transterrestrial Musings).